Per Mille
by IanPhilippe
Summary: [GenmaRaido] You love that person, but you can't bear it any longer... he destroys himself, and he destroys you as well, even if he loves you... what can you do? And... can you even do something about it?
1. Chapter 1

**Per mille**

**Disclaimer: **Genma and Raido belong to Masashi Kishimoto, Rinji and Kotaro are mine :P They will come in the next chapter…

**Warning: **Contains Yaoi. Don't like, don't read.

**A/N:** I wrote this some time ago to get rid of my annoying feelings and fears… Genma is pretty much me in this one, but I tried not to make him too OOC.

Flashback begins about a year before the Kyuubi attack - Genma is 17 and Raido 19. Two years after that, main story takes place. I made up their past as I haven't found it anywhere, so if there are some things that don't agree with Naruto canon, please let me know (though most probably I'll be too lazy to fix them ;;)

Dedicated to all those great people who reviewed my stories and told me to write more… all of you, thanks from the bottom of my heart. You always make my day…

**Chapter 1**

Genma sighed heavily and one lonely tear soaked into the pillow in which he was burying his face.

Raido wasn't here again.

Genma had known from the beginning of their relationship that Raido wasn't much of a home-bird, but sometimes it could get pretty lonely when you knew your lover had returned from a mission safely and the very first thing he did wasn't _go home and kiss Genma_ – no. It was more of a _go to the pub and have fun with friends_.

That, Genma could bear, even though he never shared Raido's liking for noisy bars and even noisier company.

What he couldn't stand was the sight of his lover, pissed beyond all recognition laughing stupidly and tripping over his own feet as he stumbled into their apartment almost every late night, or better said every early morning.

He and Raido were drawing apart and the distance between them was growing with every night Raido came home too late and absolutely drunk. Genma couldn't help it – anger rising inside him, urge to break something, was overwhelming and he could not control it even if he tried. He didn't, though, and almost every night their neighbours could hear Genma's yell and Raido's much quieter and very lame excuses. Then, the bedroom door slamming behind Genma would come and peaceful silence would occur.

When Genma was too exhausted, too weary of cursing and screaming, the silence would be immediate. At those times, he couldn't say a word to Raido without a threat of killing him. Genma knew it wasn't just an empty promise; he would kill him for sure, or at least hurt him, because when those moments came, Genma hated him so much he himself wanted to cry.

And Genma did not want to hurt Raido. Despite everything he felt, every time he would like to hit Raido in that face flushed from too much alcohol in his blood, he did not want to hurt him seriously. He loved him, after all, still loved him deeply and even though he tried many times to pack his belongings and just leave, he couldn't do it.

Because every time he felt like leaving, there was one of _those_ days. _Those_ days, when Raido managed without tequila and rum and vodka – or at least managed not to drink too much. Days when Raido came home early just to cook something and prepare the table for dinner, when Genma returned from a mission to find his lover waiting for him, sober and smiling. Genma loved those days and they were killing him slowly and surely, as he knew it was just an illusion, only a dream which he was allowed to dream, next day being brought back to reality even more painfully.

Genma sobbed into his pillow – how long ago did Raido once again promised he would stop drinking? Three days, or maybe four? And he was missing again, missing with his idiotic friends and other drunkards, and Genma knew for sure that if he were to go downtown to the most disgusting place called something-Kunai or something-Shuriken or something-like-that, he would find Raido there, already drunk and singing one of those stupid songs.

_Why did it turn out like this? _

Genma sobbed and cuddled into his pillow. Oh, how he longed for Raido's touch – good old Raido, sober, attractive and playful. Loving, kissing, caressing. Genma would give everything he had, he would gladly exchange all the years (or maybe months – a Shinobi could never tell) he was to live, for only a week with that Raido. Only one week, being like they were then, two years ago…

**Flashback**

"This is boring…"

"Well I'm sorry, not enough exciting A-rank missions for all the eager newbies."

Genma blushed and didn't even dare to look at his sempai. He had been assigned to a mission yesterday and he almost blew his top when he had heard he was to spend time with _that_ Raido alone. Well… _almost_ alone, as there was one annoying old man to guard.

Genma had been a Jounin only for a month and his specialization was not determined yet. Yondaime had suggested Genma was to be assigned to several missions with various other Jounin to understand their work and eventually make out his own way of doing things.

His very first mission was C-ranked and a Jounin assigned to be his mentor for that one was Namiashi Raido, 19-years-old and already a Tokubetsu Jounin, famous for his Black Jutsus all over the Konoha village.

According to Yondaime, Raido was the best bodyguard Konoha had ever had and when Genma had read Raido's file, he had to agree with Hokage. List of thrilling missions (some of them even S-class) he had completed was long enough to take almost twenty pages, so no wonder he wasn't very fond of the idea of training a younger Shinobi.

And no wonder that to Genma, he seemed very, very self-centred and big-headed. Because Namiashi Raido could be the sweetest, nicest guy you have ever met – that is, if he wasn't bored. And a mission consisting of guarding an old gramps at the verge of his death anyway really wasn't something to keep Raido entertained. He was too much of a professional, though, to keep whining about how _extremely_ boring it was and how he could do _much_ better missions, just like _that annoying brat_ did.

In fact, Genma had said something about the mission being boring only once or twice and the real meaning was something like _why is the Tokubetsu Jounin like you wasting his time on a newbie like me_. Or maybe it was just meant to start a conversation, as they were not even hiding, Raido suggesting they announced their presence clearly, not wanting the gramps to face any slightest possibility of attack. So they walked with the old man, silence between them as Genma was uneasy, Raido was vexed and the gramps was deaf.

As they walked, Genma kept stealing glances at Raido – the older Jounin seemed cold and inapproachable to him. However, it did not keep him from thinking about how hot the other man looked in those casual clothes he was wearing in order to hide his Shinobi status. Raido was tall and well-built, his muscular form visible even under that black, long-sleeved shirt. Pockets of worn-out jeans were hiding Raido's weapons and Genma couldn't help but smirk at a particularly wicked thought about one certain _weapon_ hidden in those jeans. He found the older Jounin staring at him and he was forced to tear his hungry gaze away from Raido's silky hair and tanned skin, as he felt an apparent question in those deep black eyes.

Raido growled with discontent. It seemed that _annoying brat_ was having a good time making fun of his superior, as his lips curled in a little sneer. _Very appealing lips_ - that Raido had to admit, though unwillingly. He had spent last night reading a file on Shiranui Genma, not really comprehending why the other Shinobis would disrespect someone so amazingly skilled with any weapon known to Ninja world. He had been trying his best to make out something in that file, _anything_ that was enlightening _why exactly_ was this young Shinobi treated like a brat even though he could hit a vital spot of his target standing fifty meters away with just one senbon and didn't even have to look.

However, the reason showed itself this morning, when his partner for a mission came. Though he had seen the photo of Genma Shiranui, it was just a little picture of a face. Raido had expected someone at least as tall as he was himself, with body muscular from the training and with an unreadable expression.

Instead of this Raido's ideal, the man who came wasn't taller than five feet and some six inches, according to Raido's estimation. He wasn't very muscular and his shoulders were far from being wide; even the baggy clothes couldn't hide an evident fact that this man – this _boy_,to be exact – was way too fragile to be a killing machine he was supposed to be. _He looks feminine,_ Raido realized as his gaze swept over the slender body and the pretty face – tiny golden dots melted into the chocolate of boy's eyes and sparkled playfully, his full lips chewing on a senbon lazily as though saying _kiss me_ or even _take me_. His hair had that deep honey-like colour and what earned the most disapproving look from Raido was their length. Silky strands tied with a simple ribbon were fairly touching boy's… _erm… bottom…_ Raido realized where_ exactly_ had he been looking for a while now and felt strong uneasiness building in him. He wasn't one to make differences between men and women, but he had never liked women who behaved like (or tried to look like) men and he almost hated those affected and polished men who seemed like stupid high-school girls to Raido.

So no wonder he did not like his new partner – Raido was a reasonable man and he tried to convince himself that appearance did not matter as long as he would be capable of doing something useful in a battle, but those little looks that boy was giving him ever since they had set out… it was too distracting.

Finally, when they reached an inn and another of Raido's angry "what" was answered by innocent "nothing at all", the older man snapped.

Genma hardly persuaded his instincts not to use his senbon immediately as the other man practically pinned him to the wall, banging his hands loudly at each side of Genma's head and staring at him like an embodiment of pure evil. He could feel Raido's breath on his face as the other man spoke quietly, irritation in each of his words.

"Look, I don't know what's wrong with you, but stop it immediately. This is a mission, like it or not, it is boring, but we will do it. Then we'll go back, get paid and you won't ever have to see me again. But until then, behave like a Shinobi, not like a child."

Genma felt his heart pounding like crazy, not only in his chest, but in his whole body, in his stomach, in his limbs, in his throat and even _down there_ where it was really uncomfortable, as the distance between Raido and himself was shorter than it should be and twice as far as Genma would like it to be. He knew he shouldn't feel that way and hated himself for it, as Raido obviously didn't share his affection. He was angry now and it was Genma's fault – was he really being that obvious while watching the older Jounin?

He felt strong blush rising to his face and made an effort to free himself, quickly murmuring a lame excuse as he dashed to the nearby bathroom. He slammed the door behind him and rested his back against the reddish wood, the feel of cold and solid touch bringing him back to his senses. Genma closed his eyes and breathed deeply a few times, trying to stop the race of his heart that was becoming unbearable. It was almost impossible, but he managed somehow and shed off his clothes as he decided that all he needed at the moment was one long and _cold_ shower.

Few moments ago he stepped out of the shower almost frozen to death and feeling all that uneasiness and insecurity he had felt before. First things first, he put a senbon in his mouth and chewed on it thoughtlessly, a bad habit of his, which he had developed many years ago. He tightened a towel around his waist and intended to dry his long hair with another one, when he felt another presence in a small room. He cursed himself for not sensing it earlier and frowned at his own reflection in the mirror above the sink, directing his look at the taller man behind him.

"Sorry," Raido said and approached Genma slowly. The addressed one just shrugged and attempted an everything's-ok grin.

"No, honestly… I shouldn't have snarled at you. I'm sorry."

Genma stared into a mirror in disbelief as the other man supported his words by getting even closer – so close Genma could feel the warmth of Raido's body on his own, still chilled from the shower. Short-haired person in the mirror lowered his head and kissed a shoulder of the other reflection – Genma felt those silky lips touching his bare skin and it sent shivers down his spine which had nothing to do with the cold.

"It's okay," he whispered and eagerly closed his eyes.

**End Flashback**

**TBC…**

**A/N: **Begging for reviews as usual... :)**  
**


	2. Chapter 2

**Per mille**

**Disclaimer: **Nothing is mine, except Rinji and Kotaro :P Ask and I'll share XD

**Warning: **Read the first part? Yes? You know then. No? Go read it.

**A/N: **My two OC, Rinji and Kotaro, were born as I realized that when this story takes place, Kotetsu and Izumo would be about 13-years old so they certainly wouldn't be able to go to a pub and drink with Raido ;;

**Chapter 2**

Raido downed another glass of beer and settled it at the table with a victorious smile. Empty glasses were neatly lined up in front of him, Kotaro staring at him angrily.

"I won," announced Raido happily and raised a hand to order another one, "third time in a row."

"Great. Then maybe we could go home finally," yawned Rinji and threw his lover one very, _very_ furious look. He was sitting here for what seemed like eternity and what in fact were five hours, as he had long ago banned himself from staring at the walls of their apartment alone, waiting for Kotaro to return. It was hell, those hours in a place too big for a single person, counting seconds and worrying himself to death with thoughts of his Taro being with other people.

He loved Kotaro deeply and liked Raido too, but when it came to drinking, those two could become unbearable. Rinji always wondered at times like this, sitting next to Kotaro and listening half-heartedly to various pub talks, how Genma could put up with it that easily, just not going with Raido and even forgiving him for not being home. Sure, Rinji knew how Genma would react when Raido got home – there was no adult Shinobi in the Konoha who had not heard Genma yelling at least once. But everyone who had ever seen them together, smiling at each other with that sparkle in their eyes – that meant _everyone_ – would not doubt they loved each other deeply and unconditionally.

Rinji wondered how long had it been from the time he had last seen them together like that, but his thoughts were interrupted by his lover, who finally considered it to be late enough to go home. Rinji stood up as well, steadying Kotaro, who was unstable on his own feet and waving Raido a goodbye. Before they left, Rinji turned to face his team-mate one more time.

"You should go too. Genma's waiting."

Raido nodded and watched his friends vanish in a poof. Then he took a sip from another beer and sighed. He knew all too well that Genma was waiting and that was one reason why he didn't want to return. Not because of yelling, not because he would most probably be sleeping on a couch this night again. It was just… nothing had been going well these days. No, not days – it was a year already, a year from that damned Kyuubi attack, a year from the painful event that left a large scar on Raido's face and even larger one deep inside where no one could see it. Only he himself could feel the pain of losing many of his loved ones, of seeing his parents and siblings die in his arms, screaming from pain as he could do nothing, just stare and whisper reassuring words he had never believed himself.

He was no self-pitying fool; he knew he wasn't the only one who was suffering. But still it had not lessened the pain; it didn't make him feel better when he knew Rinji lost his whole family too and Kotaro's little sister was killed right in front of him. It didn't help, seeing the names beginning with "Shiranui" on a Memorial Stone next to those who were beginning with "Namiashi." It was even worse and Raido couldn't bear it and hated himself for not being strong enough. For not being able to act like nothing happened, for not being able to overcome it and feel alive once again. He feared that Genma would hate him too, his selfishness, his weakness, his stubbornness. He feared it more than anything, not wanting to hurt Genma – not wanting to hurt himself.

Raido loved Genma deeply, deeper than he would ever dream about, deeper than he would admit even to himself. He wouldn't be able to put up with losing Genma too, even if it was not death but breaking up that threatened to drive them apart. No, he couldn't stand even the mere thought of it and he forced himself not to think about it, when he was drinking his fifth or sixth drink and remembered Genma's kisses and touches, remembering their last time together when everything was alright, everything was as it was supposed to be. How long ago it was…?

And still, he felt that no matter how he tried to achieve the opposite, they _were_ breaking apart. He could feel it, even if he tried to drown than insecurity in alcohol. It didn't help much… it didn't help a little bit, in fact. But he wasn't able to stop, not anymore.

No matter what, nothing was like it should be. Raido felt lost in his mind, his thoughts no more known to him.

He ordered another drink and once again got lost in delightful memories.

Flashback

Raido calmed down a while ago, letting his guard down and stretching on a comfortable bed near the door. The old man was sleeping on the other bed, leaving the third one vacant for Genma. Raido sighed at the thought of young man – maybe he was too harsh with him, practically jumping at him like that. That frightened look in his chocolate eyes made Raido frown. _Maybe I'll apologise to him when he gets back._

With that decision made and his eyes closed, Raido looked like he was asleep but he wasn't – he loved to just listen to the voices and sounds that people and the house itself were making. It was his habit to do that, listening to the sounds and guessing what caused them, it was calming him in a way nothing else could.

However, his eyes shot open when he heard something he really wasn't supposed to hear here – deep, low choking that was no doubt followed by spitting blood. He jumped out of his bed, hastily grabbing his kunai and ran out of the room. The choking was heard one more time and Raido froze when he realized _where_ exactly it was coming from.

He stormed into the bathroom, confident that he would see hurt, if not even dead Genma on the floor.

Instead of that, he flung the door open just in time to watch a dead body hit the ground.

_Namiashi Raido's _body.

"What the fuck…" he whispered as he looked at a corpse one more time, now realizing it was just a Jutsu, dispelled to reveal the true face of enemy when the Shinobi died.

"Well I was asking that myself before you dashed here," Genma said dryly and leaned on a sink, looking over the body again. "That bastard took my favourite senbon… what a shame."

It was only then Raido took notice of a thin needle stuck under the man's ribs, certainly piercing through lungs _and_ the heart, killing him in just a few seconds. _A master's work,_ Raido raised an eyebrow approvingly.

Then, he looked at Genma again:

"What happened?"

"He came here disguised as you and well… I'm not sure what he wanted, but I'd bet it was something very similar to killing me."

Raido rolled his eyes and chuckled – the boy reminded him of himself when he had been younger: kill the enemy first, you can always think after that.

Then, another interesting thought came to Raido.

"How did you recognize it's not me?"

To his surprise, Genma blushed slightly and lowered his head to look at the corpse, even though Raido was sure there was nothing interesting in the dead man's body or face. Only then he realized the boy was half-naked – well, to be exact, he was _absolutely_ naked except the small towel fastened around his hips, hiding only the necessary, inviting wicked looks to wander over his body, water dripping from his long hair all over his chest, drops tracing their paths down Genma's stomach, ending up soaking into a towel.

The younger man wasn't as skinny as Raido had assumed before – he was still more of a boy than a man though, but his muscles were pretty visible under his pale skin, showing his lithe construction. He didn't even seem so short when he was naked – in fact, everything on him seemed perfect to Raido.

Everything except the bloody smear left on a sink by Genma's hand.

"Show me that hand."

Genma obeyed with a sour grin and Raido raised an eyebrow once again, though now it was because of deep scratch on Genma's palm, slowly turning the ugly shade of purple.

"The bastard had a poisoned kunai," whined Genma and tried to pull his hand away, but Raido didn't let him.

"That bastard was a pretty skilled Jounin from Hidden Mist, I remember him now. How did you come to know it's not me?"

"He was not behaving like you would, enough?"

"No. Tell me more."

Genma blushed once more and attempted to free his hand from Raido's grip, but failed horribly and the older man stared at him with gaze more inquiring than the gaze of a whole ANBU squad. Genma couldn't possibly withstand that glare even if he was a Hokage himself.

"He… he kissed me, ok? Will that do as an explanation of phrase 'did not behave like you would'?" Genma frowned, not happy to be forced to tell his reasons. How wide was his surprise when Raido grinned wickedly and brought Genma's palm to his mouth.

"I don't have the necessary equipment here to fix this hand of yours… but the poison must be sucked out."

With those words said, Genma could feel cold lips against his burning skin, gently sucking at the bleeding cut and making him feel dizzy from anything but blood loss.

Genma was too aware of the reaction he was having to older Jounin's actions. He had already realized he was having a crush on Raido, he had recognized his feelings when the fake Raido kissed him and Genma regretted his being a fake too much. He guessed the real one would never do anything like that to him (unfortunately for Genma).

But now, the picture of the _extremely real_ Namiashi Raido sucking and licking his hand… it was too much for poor Genma to take.

"S-stop it, Raido-san… I can do that m-myself," he stuttered and Raido's wicked grin made his breath catch in his throat.

"Filthy hypocrite," Raido spit last of poisonous blood in a sink and straightened himself to face one frightened Jounin. Frightened and, even though he tried desperately to hide it, aroused.

"I… I d-don't know what are you talking about…"

Raido leaned on the sink, bringing their bodies together, catching the silent moan escaping from Genma's lips with his own. Just a short touch ensured him that whatever he was doing right now, it was way too pleasant to be wrong.

"Raido…"

"Shut the fuck up and tell me. Just now, I kissed you. Will that do as an explanation of why you have to think more before killing someone?"

Genma grinned and his face was a mixture of surprise, happiness and pure immorality. His hands moved on their own as they wrapped around Raido's neck and brought the older Jounin closer.

"Shut the fuck up and kiss me properly. Then I'll tell you."

And Raido was just too happy to obey.

End Flashback

Raido stared at the long line of empty glasses as he slowly returned back to the present. He was alone in a filthy pub, drunk and depressed and the awareness of this fact almost made him scream. He had never wanted to end up like this and the feeling of loneliness struck him hard.

_I need Genma._

The only sober though he was able to come up with was that of a gentle smile directed at him.

_I have to meet him, now._

He did not know how he managed to pay, come home and open the door. He tried his best not to stumble upon some piece of furniture and not to knock something down – if he did, Genma would be angry and Raido would have to sleep on the couch again. And tonight, he desperately needed his touch, even if it was only a hug and a kiss goodnight. If Genma didn't like his drinking, Raido would stop; he would do everything not to make Genma leave…

The second he saw an empty bed, he realised it was too late. Raido knew it even before he managed to get into kitchen, even before he saw that piece of paper with just one word on it.

One word that said everything, one word that yelled at him with familiar voice and accused him silently with that pained look of chocolate eyes. One word, apparently scribbled in a hurry, and every single letter crouched under the weight of resignation.

_Goodbye._

**TBC...**


End file.
